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Failed


Today I failed. In the pool. Big time.

It has been on my mind all day and wanted to write down some of my thoughts. Since this isn't just my scrapbook but also my journal of sorts.

I had been down with a bad cough all weekend. (Ok, so I did some easy spinning while watching Ocean's Twelve but that does not count. I did that even the night before giving birth to Noah.) Tis morning, I drag myself out of bed to go swimming at 5 am but get to the pool a little late because I needed to deliver some tents for Haiti. No big deal, I thought, I want to take it easy today anyway.

Before getting a chance to warm up, I hear: "Today we are going to swim 3,000 meters and I will time you."

What? WHAT? How? Why?

"Coach, with no break? Why? That's going to be the most boring workout ever!"

"Because you have been wanting to do it for the Ironman!"

"Who? Not me! I am not even..."

"Ready? GO!"

I jump in and know right away that I am not going to swim 3,000 meters straight. All I can think about is how I don't feel like it. How I don't want to. What is this good for anyway? Maybe others are but I am not doing Ironman this year. So this workout is not for me.

After 500 meters I stop. I want to get out and switch lanes. Coach does not let me. He makes me get back in and says: "You can do it." Of course I can do it. That is not the problem. The problem is that I don't want to do it. I ask: "Is there any benefit to this?" Yes. Ok. Fine. I'll do it.

I swim another 300 and still can't wrap my head around it. What's wrong with me?
There are all these other (weaker) swimmers next to me and they don't seem to have a problem.


I'm done for sure now. I get out despite the coach telling me to get back in. Hoping to not get kicked out of Masters. I switch lanes and decide to do 4*50 m plus 4* 500 meters. That + the previous 800 = 3,000m. Same thing, right? Nope. Not really. Not even close.

I am swimming. I am thinking. Who is this coach anyway? I don't even know if he is any good. He is just a swim coach. Not a triathlon coach. I know more about triathlon than he does. I need a triathlon coach. One in whom I trust and I will do anything he asks me to do. Anything.

I've done Ironman before and my swim was great. Faster even than some of the female pros. See? I can swim even 3,800 meters in one stretch and be fine. In a lake. Or a river. Or (maybe) even the ocean. But not in a pool.

Wouldn't this be nice?

But what if my quitting shows that I am mentally weak? What if I am not as mentally strong as I think I am? Maybe Coach has us do this workout for that very reason? To see how tough we are? Dang. I should have stuck with it. I should have broken it down in my head, gritted my teeth, and just gone the distance.

Our PHS Cross-Country Motto
But instead, I failed.

But hey, I am ready now! You'd better believe that next time Coach has his stop watch in hand and wants to count laps, I'll be ready. And if he does not anytime soon, I might just have to do it on my own.

The End.
PS: A few hours later, I had a good 75-minute trainer session with hard intervals and then threw down a fast 30-minute transition run. Take that!

Comments

Elena Jube said…
Hey, it's February. You have a right to refuse to swim 3,000 meters at one shot in February. At least you're exercising, right? You got out of bed at 5 am. That's more than I can ever say.
February 09, 2010
Nate + Carlee said…
If you learned something then it's not a failure, right? That's what I always say to myself when I leave something unfinished. Also, you are amazing. I want to be more like you. "Failures" and all!
February 10, 2010
Leslie said…
No worries Sarah! I totally understand the just not feeling it feeling. I don't blame you. You didn't fail. If it was totally in season then yeah, you should do the workout, but I really think it's fine to give yourself permission to question stuff (especially with a coach you don't trust 100%) and not do something once in a while when your heart just isn't in it. No worries, I still think you're amazing!
February 11, 2010
Emily Nice said…
its ok, i won't judge you :)
February 24, 2010
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